Saturday, May 21, 2011

Rapture!

Hey Kids, Do you love Jesus?


According to Pastor Harold Camping, today--May 21st is judgment day, marking Jesus' triumphant return to the earth, when all saved people should be caught up to heaven.


Not so fast, Mister. While Sister Rosetta has been an avid fan of Pastor Camping, and while his calculations are absolutely correct, the Bible Clearly States that Jesus will come like a thief in the night--not preceded by a blitz of billboards and internet advertising!



Jesus will *NOT* be rushed. Sure, He was ready to swoop down and start the destruction. There is nothing He'd like better. He's been clicking off time for 2000 years, waiting for the day spelled out in the secret code of His holy word. The problem is, only certain select people were supposed to know the time and place, and then they were supposed to keep it to themselves!


Sister Rosetta knew about it years ago, of course, but did she start blabbing the information? NO! Did she start warning gutter-sluts and prostitutes that they'd better shape up? Well, err, yes, but only in the general sense--certainly she did not provide the exact deadline for reformation! If it were that simple, they could get in all their sinning, and then say a quick prayer at the last minute to get saved. Would that be fair? NO! And Jesus is getting sick and tired of all the death-bed repenting going on, by the way.


So now we are stuck without a rapture. Again! Those of us in the know were looking forward to floating up in the sky, pointing down and laughing amongst ourselves at the world in flames. Shame on you Pastor Camping! You not only ruined it for Jesus, but also for the saved Christians who wasted money on post-rapture pet care services. They can never get that money back, and the athiests are laughing all they way to the bank! Shame! Shame!


All Sister Rosetta can say is Jesus must be very disappointed in you. She has no choice but to try to clean up your mess. Sister Rosetta is writing this blog for a select group who want to be ready for the *next* time Jesus decides to return. And rest assured, we're not going to tell anyone about it! No sir! No way!

--Sister Rosetta

Confused about the Bible? Want to get saved? Nuns, clergy, and regular sinners like *you* ask questions of the lavender nun. Please send your questions to Sister Rosetta, and get answers straight from the Bible.

If you care about your friends, please share the word from Ask Sister Rosetta!



2 comments:

  1. I am glad I found you because I can't talk to anyone in my life. I am confused on the rapture.
    I quit my job as a waitress and gave away my money,like on big tips to the other waitresses, and I gave away my ipod to some random lady because I was going to get raptured, and she was like are you sure, and I was thinking it has all my Christian bands on it and she might at least listen and believe it, so I said yeah sure take it.

    My mom said I was crazy, but she is the one who raised me Christian, to believe, even though
    she now goes and parties and comes home drunk at 3AM with no shoes on, for example.

    Now my friends and me--my real friends who also were believers not the ones who were my friends only until I told them to take it serious, we don't know anymore, but I still think it could happen this year. We were hiding out when it didn't happen, but at least I did go to church on Sunday, although there was barely anybody there.

    I have to stay living with my mom, but she is going to laugh, like laughing in my face drunk,
    and my friends were already laughing. One of them who believed with me, was saying she didn't anymore, like pretending she was just going along with it, now she's trying to act like it is no big.

    What am I supposed to do?

    Tamara

    ReplyDelete
  2. Tamara, it is time for an intervention! Get your mother saved!

    ReplyDelete