All about Eve

Dear Sister Rosetta,

What really wanted Eve from Adam - in paradise?

Sincerely,
Avi Enbal
Mt. Carmel, HAIFA, ISRAEL

Dear Avi:

The question is not what did Eve want, but what did God want from Eve? Eve had only to please God, her Master, regardless of the blame she'd receive for the fall of man.

In truth, Eve was the lynch-pin that held together God's entire plan of salvation. God created her specifically to seduce Adam into eating the forbidden fruit, so that man could sin, and would thereby require Jesus' redemption. At that time, God was looking for something for Jesus to do--some accomplishment that would look good on his resume' so to speak.

After the Fall, God had to pretend to be angry with Adam and Eve. He threw them out of paradise, with a wink to Eve for a job well done.

Adam never found out he'd been duped. Like most men, he was easily manipulated by an attractive woman.

Satan was smarter. He knew immediately Eve had tricked him into "tempting" her. He can't stand it! Ha ha!

Jesus never found out until he had died and risen for our sins. He forgave God for the practical joke, but the Bible clearly states, to this day He will not speak to God's servant Eve.

--Sister Rosetta

Confused about the Bible? Want to get saved? Nuns, clergy, and regular sinners like *you* ask questions of the lavender nun. Please send your questions to Sister Rosetta, and get answers straight from the Bible.

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Finding a Gentleman

Dear Sister Rosetta,
Every once in a while, an unknown gentleman may spontaneously surprise me with a kindness at a time when it is most needed. That specific kindness might restore fond memories or renew my hopes for future joy in family life.

When that happens, I can become confused about the gentleman’s intentions, especially if I do not know whether he is married or not. Trying to determine his intentions and marital status can be very awkward, especially since he may be totally unaware of the effect of his kindness.

I am grateful because such experiences help me believe that someday a kind person will come into my life, and he will express his availability in unmistakable ways. In the meantime, please advise a gentlewoman on how to acertain and encourage such attentions with a goal toward matrimony.

Thank you!
Camille

Dear Camille,
The Bible clearly states that God is in charge of man, and the man is in charge of the woman. That meant the MAN was to decide when doors were to be opened, overcoats were to be placed over puddles, and ladies' hankerchiefs were to be retrieved and returned. An appreciative flutter by the damsel in distress was generally all it took for a marriage proposal to take place.

Sadly, in today's feminazi culture, every woman is your competition! Hapless men have no idea what they are doing, and brazen hussies are going to push you right out of the way with your current wait-and-see attitude.

You must find the man you want most, and then do everything in your power to get his attention. When his interest is aroused, you must pretend you despise him. Men want a challenge! Flirt! Show an ankle! But let him know he has no chance at your goods. Most men, christian or not, want to bend the rules on the matter of sex before marriage, but the very fact that you refuse his advances is what will draw him in.

Let Sister Rosetta know how it goes!
--Sister Rosetta

Confused about the Bible? Want to get saved? Nuns, clergy, and regular sinners like *you* ask questions of the lavender nun. Please send your questions to Sister Rosetta, and get answers straight from the Bible.

If you care about your friends, please share the word from Ask Sister Rosetta!

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Rapture!

Hey Kids, Do you love Jesus?

According to Pastor Harold Camping, today--May 21st is judgment day, marking Jesus' triumphant return to the earth, when all saved people should be caught up to heaven.

Not so fast, Mister. While Sister Rosetta has been an avid fan of Pastor Camping, and while his calculations are absolutely correct, the Bible Clearly States that Jesus will come like a thief in the night--not preceded by a blitz of billboards and internet advertising!

Jesus will *NOT* be rushed. Sure, He was ready to swoop down and start the destruction. There is nothing He'd like better. He's been clicking off time for 2000 years, waiting for the day spelled out in the secret code of His holy word. The problem is, only certain select people were supposed to know the time and place, and then they were supposed to keep it to themselves!

Sister Rosetta knew about it years ago, of course, but did she start blabbing the information? NO! Did she start warning gutter-sluts and prostitutes that they'd better shape up? Well, err, yes, but only in the general sense--certainly she did not provide the exact deadline for reformation! If it were that simple, they could get in all their sinning, and then say a quick prayer at the last minute to get saved. Would that be fair? NO! And Jesus is getting sick and tired of all the death-bed repenting going on, by the way.

So now we are stuck without a rapture. Again! Those of us in the know were looking forward to floating up in the sky, pointing down and laughing amongst ourselves at the world in flames. Shame on you Pastor Camping! You not only ruined it for Jesus, but also for the saved Christians who wasted money on post-rapture pet care services. They can never get that money back, and the athiests are laughing all they way to the bank! Shame! Shame!

All Sister Rosetta can say is Jesus must be very disappointed in you. She has no choice but to try to clean up your mess. Sister Rosetta is writing this blog for a select group who want to be ready for the *next* time Jesus decides to return. And rest assured, we're not going to tell anyone about it! No sir! No way!

--Sister Rosetta

Confused about the Bible? Want to get saved? Nuns, clergy, and regular sinners like *you* ask questions of the lavender nun. Please send your questions to Sister Rosetta, and get answers straight from the Bible.

If you care about your friends, please share the word from Ask Sister Rosetta!

asksisterrosetta@yahoo.com